we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
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