How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Randomize
