if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
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