Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
