Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
