i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I know you're having some issues right now but can we focus on the gangbang?
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
