Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
