she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
tequila makes me forget i have legs
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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