I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Randomize
