Whats up?
Drunk as a mother trucker with panties on her thumbnail..laying thee down
Stay up. I'm coming home in a little
Ill try..hurry!!!! Thine hour awaits you
Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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