I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
