booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Randomize
