why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
