Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
i dont even know how to be here
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
Randomize
