you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Randomize
