you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
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