I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
