my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
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