I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
These Dirty People Haven’t Told Their SO About Their Kinky Fetish
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
This is Why People Stop Sex Halfway Through
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?