Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
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Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
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Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.