you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
they call him Oral-B. enough said
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Randomize
