I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
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