I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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