Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
Randomize
