Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
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