everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
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