I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Three words: puerto rican gang bang
Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
