wrigley field is MILF paradise
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
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