Ross. Joey. Chandler. Who would you do?
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
someone owes me an orgasm
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
Randomize
