I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
who cares. he's ugly and has a dick this big -->
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
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so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
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I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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