i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
