I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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