I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
Randomize
