The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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