i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Randomize
