I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
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