You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
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