that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
I am naked and annoyed.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
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