So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
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