This is not my ceiling
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
