ya dads aren't the best wingmen
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
