I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
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