i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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