my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
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