he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
Randomize
