not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
All the doctor said was why
Randomize
