Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
