I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
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