I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
Randomize
