So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Randomize
