Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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