Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Randomize
