it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
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