I need to stop coming to work sober
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Randomize
