got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
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