Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?