dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
so i turned around to do some reverse cowgirl when he said that this was such a better visual for him. Bad compliment or serious insult. i cant tell
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There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
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this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
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